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<- Monday, Feb. 21, 2005 | 2:09 a.m. ->





Friday bingo, pidgeons in the park

Sometimes I post entries that are really more terrible and maudlin than usual � the entry I just deleted being a prime example.

Long story short: I spent the last few months working on this huge slide-show for the Washington society, complete with exciting pictures and fourth-year quotes. The slideshow was last night. Yesterday morning, before we got into the Digital Media Lab, the show got deleted. We made a new one but it was much more crap-tastic, and then it wouldn�t even play at the banquet and it was terrible and horrible and I fucked up and feel like I fucked the fourth years over. The alumni felt bad because they made me cry, so these guys said that it was �the most entertaining show in seven years.� It was a nice gesture. I wanted someone to put me out of my misery.

Then I woke up this morning with the plague. THE PLAGUE.

Oh, and I don�t get to play with my sister�s puppies.

Oh, oh, and I spent forever converting my prom dress so that it laced up the back, and didn�t even get to enjoy the banquet.

And people in general break my heart. And I can never be funny around people that I want to be funny around � at least I�ve stopped making up little songs and doing a stupid little dance every time I find myself in a situation where I wish I were funny. Yes, at least I�ve stopped the �I�m trying way too hard� song and dance.

There are definitely nights where I feel lonely for all the wrong reasons and these past few have been those. It�s so funny, the idea of it weirds me out, but I miss it. I can�t picture it being good or healthy or un-oppressive, but I can�t stop wanting it in a little corner of me. I can�t stop the big sigh.

�Wait, isn�t he a dick to you?�
�No, it�s just that I obviously love him so much more than he loves me.�
�Okay, so you�re just crushing on him?�
�No, no, not love, just love. I don�t want to be with him, I want to be him. I think that he is awesome in every way and want to be his best friend for life.�
�Oh.�
�And he obviously does not feel the same. I�m just this silly little first year that he tolerates because he�s nice and awesome.�
Ohhhhh. That sucks.�
�Yeah, tell me about it.�


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