upside down head
perceptions
scarletrose2
Fickled
Invisibledon
Invisiblepal
Carlilly
Kieri
breakfust
Sammi1285
luv4you
Lilsnowpixie
londncalling
tulipbaroo
sailorpallas
pink-milk
clueless1285
Wonderwall
Franniboo
Gloamling
xxcobrasxx
trickykid
Sammit1285
soverycherry
kopa
coffeebitch
castleofsand
st0nered
delta88
starsrmylfe
beefspleen
Falla
pickles47
Localaura
interexile
classcouture
Trendyflat
flyanyway
montparnasse
Ship-whore
haircutgirl
chickie-legs
<- Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2005 | 3:48 a.m. ->





-

When she goes to bed it�s so sudden. One moment you�re stuck in gale force winds and the next moments the lights flicker and she�s gone. The silence is immediate and overpowering, it�s lonely and at the same time infuriation because even in isolation I�m not alone � she is right there, across the room heaving ever so gently. On the nights when I stay up until the birds really get going I sometimes hear her talking. It�s startling, she disturbs my serenity, I guess I do hers as well.

I wanted to throw myself over him, just to protect him, to keep him from their impersonality, their harshness. He seems so frail so suddenly, it frightens me most just when I need a pillar of strength. I should be grateful that in my maternal panic I find myself, but I wish he weren�t so exposed.

I hope they like the notes and the cookies. I wonder if they know those are my favorite stickers in the whole wide world. It was the least I could do, I should have done more. I hope they know what I was trying to say, even if the notes aren�t that good.

I miss the Wildlife Rescue. I miss work that exhausted my whole body and soul, I miss giving to something like that, something completely receptive to my giving that wasn�t asking but begging. I miss that control and that connection and that pouring of myself. People can�t take you like that, they can�t be expected to accept a pouring of your soul into them, they can�t ask for it, it would be wrong. To do it to people would be wrong, it wouldn�t be the quiet transaction it is with raccoons or squirrels. It would be something awkward and noisy and painful. Or, maybe that�s what babies are like � like fawns and raccoon kits. Maybe that�s how mothers survive, it�s the same kind of cleansing soul pouring.


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