This morning was the first in the week that I awoke from a not-bad dream. Vacation, but apparently not from bad dreams. Ah well, the sea is nice.

The dream before the not-bad one was bad though. That friend of mine started kissing me only he stuck his tongue all the way down my throat and was suffocating me and I couldn�t push him off of me or break the suction and knew I was slowly, bug-eyedly dying from this worst-of-all-kisses. I woke up struggling with the covers, but without any tongues in my mouth � ah, my paranoia are so transparent.

I bought The Saint and episodes of the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I would have bought FernGully at the grocery store except that I realized it was FernGully2: The Magical Adventure not FernGully: The Last Rainforest. I think that puts the score somewhere around: guilty pleasures: 3, good sense: 0.

I know a great number of people who are blatantly in love with one another but not acting upon it. I won�t say I know �too many� people who are blatantly, exclusively in love with one another because it is dangerous to say that there�s too much love these days.

It�s very lonely being surrounded by people who are awkwardly and head-rushingly in love with one another because it means that they�re not in love with you, not even in the little faint-smile way, not even at all. I don�t want all the tidal-wave lovers around me to actually become lovers because it�s somehow more beautiful when they think that they love one another secretly, or when they don�t think they love one another at all � even though we know they do.

Also, if they all start dating, they�ll realize that they don�t need me at all. I am selfish, and I do not want them to be in love, and that is the bottom line.

This diary is where I get to be a small, selfish child.

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