Holy shit. I�m that girl? I�m that girl? I have the power and the strength and the drive and the allure to be that girl? Fucking shit, why didn�t anyone tell me that before?
I feel several things.
Thing one: There were many aspects of last night I wish I�d handled slightly differently. There were two funny conversations had while boys were in bathrooms that maybe should have had different conclusions. However, dissatisfaction or not � I need to take a look at the whole process.
Thing two: I need more of a sense of entitlement. It�s not wrong to go for something, it�s not wrong to claim that thing if you think you�ve got it. It�s not wrong to play the game to win. It�s not wrong to admit you�re playing the game.
Thing three: I had no idea I could be that girl. I had no idea I could dance like that, or lead someone off the dance floor like that or go for something like that or be like that. But I can, and not only do I have the ability� sometimes, I am like that. I kept wanting to say things like �you have no idea how atypical this is for me� or �I have no idea what I�m doing.� The second of those statements? Basically true. The first�not so much the truth. It may be true that I haven�t really ended up in situations identical to that one before � but I�m beginning to realize that �this is so atypical for me� situations are arising on a more regular basis. Maybe I need to reevaluate what a typical Meg situation is.
Thing four: I am not the girl I thought I was. I like it. I want to make the girl I thought I was and the girl I am the same person � I want those two to mesh seamlessly. I want to love Disney and crazy-Meg and for those things not to conflict. As soon as this dissonance dissipates, I will feel good.
Thing five: I feel like I just broke up with someone. It�s that bittersweet sense of both loss and freedom. It is November 20, 2005. Maybe I did just break up with someone, someone I was for a very long time and something that I was dissatisfied with for almost as long. Maybe I can begin seeing new Megs soon � I think I just had a random party hookup with a new Meg last night, maybe she gave me her number and I�ll give her a call sometime.
Maybe last night�s Meg isn�t my soul-mate, per say, but she�s probably a fun girl to go on dates with.
The allegory runs deep.
Slight irony: since I took a five hour nap today, therefore cannot sleep, I'm playing Oregon Trail to pass the time. Irony on two levels.
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